WORDS
In order to uncover the processes that destroy unions, marital researchers study
couples over the course of years, and even decades, and retrace the star-crossed steps of
those who have split up back to their wedding day. What they are discovering is
unsettling. None of the factors one would guess might predict a couple's durability
actually does: not how in love a newlywed couple say they are; how much affection they
exchange; how much they fight or what they fight about. In fact, couples who will endure
and those who won't look remarkably similar in the early days.
Yet when psychologists
Cliff Notarius of Catholic University and Howard Markman of the University of Denver
studied newlyweds over the first decade of marriage, they found a very subtle but telling
difference at the beginning of the relationships. Among couples who would ultimately stay
together, 5 out of every 100 comments made about each other were putdowns. Among couples
who would later split, 10 of every 100 comments were insults. That gap magnified over the
following decade, until couples heading downhill were flinging five times as many cruel
and invalidating comments at each other as happy couples. "Hostile putdowns act as
cancerous cells that, if unchecked, erode the relationship over time," says
Notarius,
who with Markman co-authored the new book We Can Work It Out. "In the end, relentless
unremitting negativity takes control and the couple can't get through a week without major
blowups."
U.S. News & World Report, February 21, 1994,
Page 67.
Of the 800,000 words in the English language. 300,000 are technical terms.
The average person knows 10,000 words and uses 5,000 in everyday speech. A journalist knows approximately 15,000 and uses around
10,000.
Source Unknown.
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